I am coming to grips with the fact that I am a sensitive muhf*cka.
Small instances can affect in me in very big ways. The thing I seem to have internalized and taken on as a raised working-class, hetero, male of color, is that I am incredibly talented at looking “cool, calm and collected,” regardless of what is going down. I can literally be dying inside while my outside looks like “business as usual.” I saw a white woman on the streets of SF yesterday who looked like she obviously had some “dependency” issues (sickly skinny, torn skirt, covered with dirt and a look of utter desperation in her face aka “Crack Kills”) and I wanted to pull over and cry my eyes out. Instead, I kept it moving, lowered my shades and sang along to T.I.’s “HURT” (see video below). 

[What men who stare racism and classism in the eye everyday, can end up looking & sounding like.]

Rationally, I realize that the most intelligent and righteous human beings on this planet share this extreme sensitivity to anything that is violent and oppressive. What makes my sensitivity feel like a burden is the fact that when/where I was growing up, anything that resembled sensitivity was deemed “bitch,” “fag,” “WHITE,” etc., and usually meant you were going to be the subject of ongoing violence. As with many mixed race men of color (with one white parent) who are raised working-class, there is somewhat of a chip on our shoulder to prove that we are not soft, weak and/or someone who is to be taken advantage of (just watch Matt Barnes or Delonte West play basketball). I am thoughtful of the fact that I have internalized a feeling, that to “show” myself means being preyed upon and/or having my other brothers and sisters of color “questioning,” my authenticity.

Especially in the realm of Hip-Hop expression, does the need to feel invulnerable come into play. In a culture/expression rooted in a response to racism and classism, being a mixed race Asian man can bring a plethora of these (very old) feelings of needing to “stay safe,” to light. It is my personal belief that men (particularly of color) are amazingly brilliant and wise, but primarily use these gifts of vast intelligence to keep ourselves safe. Yellow, Red, Black or Brown, we learn (implicitly and explicitly) as little boys what will make us targets and what will not. For some of us, being loud and aggressive is a key to safety, for others it can mean silence, invisibility and disappearing into the shadows. We learn what clothing, shoes, accessories, etc. will make others around us admire and respect us, and whether it’s Girbaud, Lacoste or something colorful and worn from the thrift shop – we shop, shop, shop. We learn these things EXPLICITLY in things like an older cousin saying: “Quit crying like a lil’ B*tch,” as well as IMPLICITLY through the media in everything from (Governor) Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, to Maxim, King, XXL or GQ magazine.

The combination of the expectations put upon me as a man combined with my being raised working-class and of mixed race, has left me incredibly guarded. Breaking down these walls is very painful but also INCREDIBLY liberating. I notice new ways that taking chances with people in “showing myself” is 9 times out 10, met with respect and a genuine thankfulness that I have allowed myself to trust that person. The contradiction of a male NOT looking tough and prepared for violence is something I think most anybody appreciates when they see it. I also believe it is especially hopeful to my Black and Brown brothers and sisters of color, to see someone with pale skin not feeling the need to “prove” themselves, but actually showing up and being present in a progression toward justice, solidarity and peace. When we as men “show ourselves,” without the weight of fear (racism, homphobia, sexism, classism, etc.) on our shoulders, the limits of the imagination are boundless and the souls’ freedom doesn’t seem so discouragingly elusive.

*I am having a moment right now, picturing my homies I grew up playing hoop with, reading this entry and saying: “Omigod… F—in’ gay-ass n—a…”

*Moment passed. Yee.

The “War,” in Iraq is a failure of the imagination. It is the culmination of men (particularly of color and/or a working-class background) being pressured into NOT “feeling.” It is literally the face of little boys being bred to become violent aggressors that fight the wars waged by the wealthy men for profit, be it monetary or land ownership. The “War,” is necessary for those in power to remain there because the only thing Amerika really has going for us at the moment, is our military. Anytime we go into a recession, we go and pick a fight with someone. From the Civil War, WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Korea, and Desert Storm to “The War on Terror,” we’ve gone from fighting against other countries, to waging war on a word whose meaning is dictated to us by our “leaders,” and the media. Our “leaders,” have literally gotten THAT desperate to hold on to the power that they possess. Sh*t is downright satanic and tears my f*cking heart to pieces. It is a failure of the human imagination.

When I sit and hold my baby nephew Nolen, it is SO completely clear to me that boys are NOT designed to be killers and fight in wars, murder people and go to prison, or abuse, molest and rape women and children. BUT WE DO. We get told some very insane and hurtful lies as we grow up as to how we are to treat others, each other and ourselves. We become desensitized to violence and sexism through movies, video games, pornography, television shows, magazines, commercials, billboards and above and beyond that, a lack of positive, heterosexual, male role models who are brave enough to question our role as oppressors to women and LGBTQ folk.

[What men look like before we're lied to.]

While many of us get to hang on to the humanity we possess as infants; many of us do not. I believe I KNOW THE ANSWER to hanging on to that humanity, as well as why women on the whole can think clearer in terms of conflict resolution. The sad fact is that most of us men have lost the ability to access the most fundamental healing tool known to man: “BOYS DON’T CRY.”

At his Christening, I watched (my baby nephew) Nolen roll around in his scooter/high-chair, laughing and giggling until he bumped his knee on a pillar in the building. He (as all babies do) cried his eyes out for about one minute, and then kept it moving. He took a single minute to cry/heal, and then was good to eat smashed peas, drink formula, poop himself and fall into a deep, drooly slumber. From the time we are born, men have a perfectly developed system to heal from emotional/physical hurt but it gets taken away from us. While crying has been deemed “juvenile” and “feminine,” (which is oppressive) it is something that women on the whole can access when they truly need to without being punished in the same way men are.

I wonder very often, how different a person I would be today had I cried every time I felt hurt enough to do so. On one hand, I would probably be a lot less cynical about the world and have a lot more energy to remain hopeful. On the other hand, I may not be alive today. From the Mathew Sheppard and Steen Keith Fenrich to the Nazi holocaust (Gay people were targeted too), it is a fact that due to sexism, homphobia and other such outside forces, men who act in a way that is deemed “feminine,” have largely been targeted for destruction throughout the history of the world. It is very clear to me that the men who raised (and helped raise) me did not consciously assist in my becoming someone who is almost incapable of crying, but were rather using their extreme intelligence to teach me how I would need to act to not be made a target of.

*LONG-ASS SIGH… =T

THE MALE PSYCHE POST-WWII JAPAN
(I always bring it back to Japanese history somehow don’t I?)

After WWII, Japan was forced by the United States to disband its military. From then on, Amerika would be doing its fighting for them if anyone had beef with Nihon (Japan, blud). While this basically put them under the thumb of U.S. control, it also did some other things. From that day on, every Japanese scientist that designed weapons, guns, planes, tanks, warships, etc., had to find new work. What came into play was an electronics boom that was felt all over the world. Toyota, Honda, Mitsubishi, Sony, Kawaski, Nintendo, and a sh*tload of other Japanese companies began putting their best minds to work on automobiles, videogames, televisions, cell phones, computers, etc. Where the best and brightest once spent their waking hours thinking of new ways to design machines that kill people, they now thought of ways to get people from point A to point B, how to make speakers sound amazing, how to make video games that literally took you to another dimension, etc.

[Q: "Why are the Japanese just so great at making gadgets?" A: "Because Amerika don't let them make weapons."]

In this SAME way, I wonder what this world would look like if men (particularly of color/working-class background) grew up from little boys, not having to primarily use their brilliant minds to stay “safe.” I can think of bookoo muhf*ckas who probably could have gone to college, had they never had to think about what clothes to wear to attract women; had they cried and never had to smoke weed and drink cheap liquor to numb out their pain and anger; had they been allowed to smile at each other and treat women with respect without being branded a “straight-up, b*tch-made f*ggot,” etc. What if the majority of our best and brightest male minds didn’t have to spend so much time and energy working on playing this oppressor role “to a T?”

Not knowing the answer to that question is not only a failure of the imagination, but truly something to cry about.

With deep love, respect and appreciation for women and LGBTQ people who haven’t given up on their heterosexual brothers,

Senbei