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Following the recent devastation caused by Typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana) on the Philippine Islands, Members of the Bay Area’s talented creative community are lending their time & talents to aid the people of the Philippines through these difficult times. We encourage you to join us in solidarity and donate what you can, Whether it be monetary, food, clothing or medicine. Every little bit helps and it is instrumental that we look out for those less fortunate than us.
“Rebuild”
Friday October 16th @ 111 Minna Gallery
5pm-9:30pm
(in the Zappa/Stage Room)*Donating 100% of the proceeds & collections to those in need
*Sponsored by:
111 Minna Gallery
Manilatown Heritage Foundation
Filipino Community Center, Nomi
SF CHRP
DiAnne Tana Bueno
Randall Rufino of Blufizz
James Donato
Reignforest Collective*Uplifting DJ sets from:
Donnell De Leon (Dose)
Paul Abadilla (Choco)
Allan Perez (Skelator)
Cedric Nodado (Cedication.Crimes)
Noel Bacani (Xariusound)Lyrical performance by
Colin Masashi Ehara & Jeimil Belamide (Broken Halos)*Let’s do our part in helping a humble nation rebuild & endure the storm
It’s been a while now since Jei and I performed (and I’ve been going through a lot of internal debates about my own place in Hip-Hop’s practice), but we couldn’t say ‘no’ to something like this.
Please come through after work! ALL (100%!!!) of the proceeds go to help our brothers and sisters on the other side of the globe.
In solidarity,
C
I am blessed to know some truly incredible people…
The homie Patrick “DJ P.Sani” San Juan works for AACE TS in San Francisco.
AACE TS is a program that identifies, selects and assists low-income youth ages 11 and older that have the potential to be the first generation in their family to attend college. We support middle school and high school students to continue their education and encourage high school students and adults to enroll in a 4-year institution or postsecondary program.
Celebrate with us the AACE-TS 30th Anniversary fundraiser event @ Poleng Lounge (1751 Fulton St, SF), Thursday, August 27th, 6-10 pm
There will be:
* Performances: Mighty Joe and Broken Halos (UCSC alumni) and DJs spinnin’ all night:
- j fish
- p.sani
- jocson
* Free food, Light appetizers will be served!
–>Grilled edamame, wings, etc.
A percentage of the bar tab will go directly to AACE TS.
Donations are also highly encouraged.
Come through and support good people working to close the OPPORTUNITY gap in Public Education!
_______
My homie Xandra “lachicaboom” Ibarra is an amazing/brilliant artist, scholar, and pedagogue and her organization, Kaleidoscope is doing some truly revolutionary and groundbreaking expression.
Kaleidoscope’s mission is to entertain and cast light on the knowledge, actions, and transformations that pertain to people of color performance and race-positive sexuality. The broad range of performances from drag to burlesque, song to aerial art, promises to be erotic, sexy and witty! Join us on September 26, 2009 at 8pm at the Brava Theater on 2781 24th Street in San Francisco as we represent and transform burlesque as it is and was. Kaleidoscope entertains, inspires, and arouses. Enjoy the nation’s best in burlesque and buy your tickets now at www.brownpapertickets.com.
Xandra writes:
For the past two years, Kaleidoscope has brought together women, men and trans performers of color from Venezuela, Mexico, Canada, Los Angeles, New York, Detroit, San Francisco, Seattle, Tucson and Atlanta. Kaleidoscope is an annual national people of color cabaret and festival. It is the first of its kind in burlesque specifically because it is dedicated to showcasing performers of color.
Kaleidoscope’s mission is to entertain and cast light on the knowledge, actions, and transformations that pertain to people of color performance and race-positive sexuality. It is
about the politics of a people of color performance movement, about how people of color define and shape our liberation in an art form that has traditionally used our bodies as props and our images for profit. This show is a platform for us to reclaim our images and our sexualities, our goal is to politcize and enrich the neo-burlesque movement.
In the past, Kaleidoscope has been sponsored by Communities Against Rape and Abuse, INCITE!, Northwest Network for LGBT Survivors of Abuse, Seattle Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, and EntreHermanos. This year we are honored to be fiscally sponsored by Communities United Against Violence. With the support of these organizations Kaleidoscope has flourished and become a venue for discussions that complicate desire and use burlesque as a tool to embrace the liberating possibilities of sexuality.
Now to be perfectly honest, when I used to think of burlesque, I imagined Grandpa Simpson headed to the old saloon in Shelbyville to watch skinny white women show him their knickers.
This isn’t the first time my homie X has flipped the script on me/the world and made us all think deeper and differently about power, self-determined liberation, and what honest expression in art can look like.
On September 26, 2009, be in the Sucker Free City and check out some mind-blowingness of incredible proportions HERE.
_______
Un Mundo Mejor Es Posible,
C
[CLICK PIC FOR FREE DOWNLOAD!]
Thanks to Professor Wei Ming Dariotis of San Francisco State University’s Asian American Studies Program, I was given the opportunity to put this mix(ed)tape together specifically for her Asian American Studies 550: Asian Americans of Mixed Heritage course. Words can’t do justice to how much of an honor this is.
To the students of AAS 550 &anyone else who happens to download it), I’m truly humbled & I hope this mix of songs and Dr. Dariotis’ groundbreaking class affects you in some way, shape, or form, however it may be.
Tracklist:
1. Senbei – Mix(ed)tape Intro2. Senbei – Misunderstood (remix)
3. Senbei & Dynamic Souls – Paper Bullets
4. Little Dragon & Senbei – Constant Surprises (remix)
5. Senbei & Dynamic Souls – Kindred
6. Senbei feat. Slavename – Mixed President
7. Senbei feat. Jeimil & Drizzletron – Social Tool
8. Lalin St. Juste feat. Senbei – Our Way
9. Senbei & Dynamic Souls – Things Fall Apart
10. Senbei – Masterpiece (prod. Akiyoshi Ehara)
In deep gratiude,
Colin Masashi “Senbei” Ehara
[7.31.2009]
Please come through and support! Jeimil and I will be performing alongside a plethora of my sheroes and heroes including, but not limited to: Kelly Zen-Yie Tsai, Erica Benton, El Dia & Leah Lakshmi Piepzna Samarasinha, Denizen Kane, Kiwi & (hosts) Mush Lee & Adriel Luis.
Proceeds will go towards funding the coming together of 200+ golden children who find peace in expressing themselves by breaking their silence. I can’t begin to describe how excited I am to see old homies, meet new ones, and in particular, to see the younger up and comers do their thing. Kicking it with youth has really sustained my love and passion for art, education, and activism as of late and I am in the process of possibly getting a new job that will help me stay rooted to what I know and love.
I pray that future mothers and fathers
won’t nothing other than honest
and that they teach their sons and their daughters
that really, God’s the color of water
Friday. 7/31/09. UC Berkeley. Wheeler Hall. 7pm Doors. 730pm Start.
See you there!
C
p.s.
[Footage from "Volume Control 2"]
[akiyoshi & senbei (circa 1989)]
[Senbei - Masterpiece (prod. Akiyoshi of Dynamic Souls)]
So…I have been in hibernation regarding musica for a minute now: Going back to school and pushing through a slew of life changes including but not limited to, a continuing examination of my own unique positionality/privilege/struggles, reconnecting to spirituality and my heart (“you corny cuz!”), and working to express my identity fully, while not becoming trapped within it (if that makes any sense at all =P).
This song is the first I’ve written and/or recorded in about 5 months and is a tiny window into my current insanity, clarity, self-hate, self-love, intelligence, ignorance, confidence, insecurity, etc., and will (in some form) be on the next Broken Halos Project. This cut is rough and may or may not have different verses from myself and/or Jeimil when all is said and done. =P
Senbei – Masterpiece
Verse 1:
I yawn and wakeup turn off my clock alarm, god is the greatest: “allah hu akbar” / thankful for the morning and the history of my young life, anxious for the glory and the wisdom of my hindsight / was itching for the limelight, but now I play the background, fixing to design life to udder to the cash cow / “got milk?” I need some vitamin d. but me, my smiling has ceased, my stylin’ is bleak, my dream’s designed to free / but it’s not. im paying dearly for it, my masterpiece is blasphemy, I’m slaving yearly for it / but I spent my days with children I was thrilled to go build with, and celebrate my funding til it ran-off (randolph) like childress / damn god, I feel this aching sense of desperation making sense of hesitation’s insecurity / blast off and peel this lyrical cap, a spiritual rap, a miracle in fact, because…HOOK X2:
I love to live inside the rhapsody, searching for the person that I have to be / and I’ll talk to my creator til im fast asleep dreaming how I’ll be a brush stroke in a masterpiece…Verse 2:
I found peace inside a cloudy brain, this aint vision, my rhymes unique sublime I sound insane this aint wisdom / it’s a reflection of the story I was born to tell the planet, resurrection of the glory from my war in hell, god damn it / blissful are their sins if pistols kiss the children goodnight, but wishful is my thinking, simple is my living: just write / let your tale call your voice from silence to ignition. Rep your label, I’ll rejoice in wildin’ AND submission / heaven and hell exist upon the same plane, my lame brain maintained inhaling grams of jane mang / high enough to touch the bottom of the pearly gates, died enough to clutch the bottle from this earthly hate / great, im drinking from a hurting heart’s breaks…wait. I think I see her work of art make / sense of all the madness on this atlas where I’m drowning, meant for these theatrics that we practice in the sound when…HOOK X2
Verse 3:
Another world is on her way and when the days are quiet, I hear her breathing deep and free she sighs inside the silence / and I’ll supply the science, til the future speaks about me, and never be compliant to the foolishness around me / movement it astounds me, ‘cause truth it speaks the loudest, but coolness man its drowns me, during youth my freedom’s clouded / I grew up with children always calling women “b*tches”, and if that shocks u bro or sis: u prolly aint from Richmond / oppression has kinder face in middle-class America. Depression has a smiley face - a ridalin hysteria / to cripple and embarrass you in all the guilt you live in - a sickness that’ll carry you through all the pill prescriptions / and I know its true because I’ve seen it from both sides: I reside on borderlines and watch the scoreboard multiply / at the buzzer im shooting: an act of desperation. In utter confusion I’ll rap to empty space. Sen…bei.HOOK X2
It is what it is. I thank you sincerely for caring enough to listen.
Bless,
Senbei
p.s.
Aki: Your soul is more dynamic than you will ever know. I love you, baby bro.
[Jeimil: Archipalego/Vallejo-Bred.]
[Jeimil - Sideshow (right-click & "save-target-as" to DL)]
Although my partner in rhyme is one of the most difficult people to get in the booth, when he is actually able to make it happen, he makes it happen. We are (hella slowly) in the process of putting together a new Broken Halos project right now, and this DJ Dahi-produced joint is a sample of Jeimil’s uncanny ability to access the inner workings of his soul, and expressing it through rhyme. Me thinks its safe to say that (when he does it =P) Jei is my favorite emcee doing it today.
Stuck in a sideshow…tryna find hope…figure-8’s: infinite in high notes…tires screeching…tryna outrun the pain…full-throttle though the motherf*ckin’ rain.
masashi
So my brother Dacoury “DJ Dahi” Natche of Los Angeles / UCSC and I, put this 4 track EP together a few years ago (2006) but it was done before I was blogging, so it never really saw the light of day. I just went back to it the other day and even though my mind/soul/body is in a pretty different place today, I thought I’d throw it out there for the world (aka the dozen ppl who read ColinResponse – love yall! =P) to see.
If you’re not knowing, DJ Dahi is a musical genius. Please check out his MySpace page and be ready to have your ears made love to (its actually much more enjoyable and less gross than it sounds =T).
APOLOGIES:
You’ll hafta download the tracks individually. =T I tried f*cking w/ Megaupload for an hour and it was hatin’ on me so I chalked it up.
_______
1) Senbei & DJ Dahi – Sensational (Dahi Remix)
[Senbei & DJ Dahi - Sensational (Dahi Remix) (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
This is a song I originally did back in 2004 and re-spit over Dahi’s soulful-spectacular. Looking back, I appear to be in full-on swag mode, and while not necessarily a bad thing, I’m laughing right now because I’m actually making a point to try and be as nerdy, vulnerable and “uncool” as possible these days. What a difference 5 years makes.
2) Senbei & DJ Dahi – Shotglass
[Senbei & DJ Dahi - Shotglass (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
An ode to the drank, told from three differing/similar perspectives.
I found courage in a shotglass and quickly enjoyed it / numbing hurt, it made me talk fast – I really enjoyed it / fear and anger went to purgatory, killing my demons / went from zero to superhero like Gilbert Arenas…
3) Senbei & DJ Dahi – When It Rains
[Senbei & DJ Dahi - When It Rains (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
This is song dedicated to J, Peter and Grandpa Bop and may be the truest sh*t I ever wrote.
J: I pray everyday for the day you get free and anxiously await the moment we can see each other without the prying eye of the prison industiral complex watching over us as we do so.
Peter: Rest in Peace. You spirit is a constant reminder of the importance of my struggle as an ally in the war against homphobia. Thank you for caring about me and Aki so deeply. We miss you.
Bop: Rest in Power. You were/are a shining example of what a human being should be. The courage to love across the board and the stregnth to understand and be patient with those who directed misguided hate at you, is something I strive to model. I am never without you.
4) Senbei & DJ Dahi – A.D.D. (Alumni Didn’t Die)
[Senbei & DJ Dahi - A.D.D. (Alumni Didn't Die) (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
This is yet another standard braggadocio rhyme-form, which I am not necessarily hateful of, but am currently in a place of moving away from. I think iLL-Literacy put it best when they said, “die swag, die.” I DO like that I built Dahi up in this one, because dude is a muhf*ckin’ beast, foreel-foreel.
*BONUS TRACK*
5) Amy Winehouse feat. Senbei – You Know I’m No Good (Remix)
[Amy Winehouse feat. Senbei - You Know I'm No Good (Remix) (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
To clarify, and just so nobody hates me forever, this song is not written for any one particular person. It is kind of an amalgamation if you will, of different women I dated prior to my wifey. It’s more an appreciation of her than a diss to anyone else. On a whole ‘nother note, isn’t it odd that Amy Winehouse is so much like a rapper? Homegirl seems to be simultaneously “ready to die,” and addresses the public like it’s “me against the world.” Interesante.
_______
[DJ Dahi - Genius at work]
Thanks for listening/reading! Keep doin’ U!
Bless,
Senbei
[Can't begin to describe how weird that Obama/Lincoln mash-up is behind my miscegenated ass. Me thinks America is still very confused about mixed heritage people (and people of color in general). =T]
[Senbei - Chameleon (right-click and "save-target-as" to DL)]
Yes: I realize fully that to post a song I wrote myself as being “brilliant” and/or “resilient” is highly out-of-pocket, BUT I’m working on regaining trust in my own thinking and decision making after a year of questioning the sh*t out of everything I know about myself and the world. This is my latest attempt at reclaiming the once not-so-ellusive ability to think of myself as a strong, forward-thinking human being, capable of speaking to and for people like myself.
Choose a side u BZ!
I’ve been in relative limbo recently regarding my place in Hip-Hop this past year, with particular attention to emceeing and the role it plays as Hip-Hop’s literal voice. I’ve always viewed the aspect of emceeing as a vehicle for people who have been silenced. Emceeing to me, is for people who are working to combat internalized self-hatred and are working to author their own narrative of what the world has bestowed upon them, taken from them and done to shape their identity. Emceeing to me, is for people who strongly recognize and remember the roots of Hip-Hop culture and are able to juxtapose, as Tricia Rose states, “a rich alternative space for multicultural, male and female, culturally relevant, anti-racist community building,” versus a music industry that amplifies certain narratives and ignores others, in turn leaving young people (and white Americans who do not have interraction with people of color) with a vastly skewed and problematic view of Black and Brown men and women.
While their are hella ways I am able to see myself fitting into my own definitions of what an “authentic” emcee ought to be, I am fully aware that every Hip-Hopper in the world has differing opinions of what is, and is not “authentic” when it comes to Hip-Hop, particularly with respects to emceeing. It is not the least bit difficult for me to see why a person who has experienced explicit racism first-hand (ie: Police brutality and/or being called a name that brings one’s mind back to a time when some people were property and 3/5 of a human being…) could view a song about how “hard” it is being invisible and blending into the background, as “soft” and/or “emo” and therefore privileged and not “authentic.” On one hand, it has always been in my nature, due especially to my parents, to respect the opinions and life experiences of others, particularly when I have been privy to resources others may not have. On the other hand, acknowledging that other people struggle in different, and yes, many times more blatant ways than I, does not in my opinion at this time, justify the ending of my practice of rhyme-writing.
Amongst the various conclusions I am coming to these days, one was reached with the assistance of a comment left on this blog under the post Shikata Ga Naidadaimean. I have to give ridiculous props to a reader of ColinResponse named “Sheila,” who wrote me this back in late April, at 2:46AM…
Senbei,
So, I realize that I’m a little more than a month late since you first posted this, but I came across your blog via a link from Adriel Luis’ blog recently. I don’t have connections to either of you–really, just random clicks of my mouse–but I’m trying to muster the most heartfelt thanks that I can as some feeble offering, in response to the jewels that you both have provided to me! I know this is cliche, but it’s true…words can be so limiting sometimes, and I feel so frustrated by them, but…
I just watched your ‘Chameleon’ clip, and it ROCKED me, as in to the core. My interpretation of it is obviously subjective and may not be what you intended, but I know what truths I’ve found in that interpretation, regardless of how painfully harsh I find those truths to be. One thing I have in common with you is that I am also of mixed race–Filipino and Irish–and damn it, for 27 years, I have REALLY, REALLY struggled to find my place between those two lines, blurring them sometimes and feeling guilty for doing it. I realize that probably everyone struggles, but dayuummm…I wonder if others feel like a refugee in their own skin the way I sometimes do. Usually, I just ignore the shitstorm in my head and press on, but as the years roll by, avoidance gets tougher…and I feel like I’m shortchanging myself. I’m just now starting to realize that maybe I don’t need to neatly compartmentalize myself in the first place, because life isn’t so neat. And maybe I don’t need to duck my head in the sand so much. Which is why I love both of your blogs…I find semblances of myself and my issues (issues of not only being of mixed race, but of the crap endured by someone who’s not traditionally classified as being of Anglo origins)in them…regardless of whether these semblances have seen the light of day, or even, the light of consciousness. And it helps me through, it really, truly does…through my 9-5, through my marriage, my relationship with self and others, and just everything, in general. And I give you both serious props for being so open, and for being SO very honest. Exposing your true colors is terrifying and it makes me feel so…well, exposed, but you do it…effortlessly it seems, though I doubt it’s always so effortless. Thanks for inspiring me to drop that ‘refugee’ mentality and really confront the mountains that are not only automatically placed in my path, but that I’ve also created for myself.
Anyway, sorry, as I know I’m writing a freakin’ BOOK, and I hope you are able to follow…but I just had to say these things to explain that what you do IS APPRECIATED, IS ADMIRED, IS NOTICED, and IS, TO THE UTMOST, RESPECTED. I’m sure you hear this all of the time, but I wanted you to have an, albeit small, explanation behind my gratitude.
Sheila:
Our blurring racial lines is not a choice we get to make, but we do get to decide how we do it. Thank you for reminding me about that.
When “Keeping it Real,” Goes…Everywhere:
A few things happened this year that really jolted me to reexamine my positionality in Hip-Hop as an emcee, and in the world at large. The first was my reading the Master’s Thesis of an SFSU Africana Studies Major entitled Asian American’s Emulation of Black Masculinity Through Hip-Hop, about (to make a long story short) cultural appropriation of Hip-Hop by Chinese American Emcee, Jin and how he “emulated Black masculinity” through emceeing, to lessen his internalized and external emasculation as an Asian man, at the hands of racism. Upon first reading this, I honestly felt pretty offended by the word “emulation.” I felt that it implied in a condescending way, that Asian American men who emcee’d were being disingenuous or inauthentic, and also felt that it essentialized “Black masculinity” and “Hip-Hop,” to wearing fitted baseball caps, being mysoginistic, homophobic, hypersexual, etc.
Upon second, third and fourth read, I began to work at deconstructing why I might feel this way, and the fact that my Hip-Hop, masculinity and Asian American “authenticity” have all come into question in one way or another at different times. Due to my upward mobility, fair skin privilege, Japanese ancestry, Anglo ancestry, mixed heritage, working to be an ally to Queer folks and women, being raised working-class in Richmond, and a plethora of other choices (and non-choices); identity in each of these communities have come into conflict at different points, blurring and questioning others’ definitions of “Hip-Hoppers,” “manhood,” and “Asian/Japanese American.” While this has caused me to tend to question myself almost constantly, I try to view it as a enormous blessing and advantage in a country/world where most are unable or unwilling to examine their own positionality, privilege and oppression.
The second thing that rocked me this year was delivered via the internets from a brilliant, albeit (slightly) differing frame of reference in an essay by Kenyon Farrow. I stumbled upon “We Real Cool?: On Hip-Hop, Asian Americans, Black Folks and Appropriation” when researching “cultural appropriation” and looking for routes to deconstruct notions of “authenticity” in human interaction in general. My words cannot do justice to the eloquence of his voice, and as an out Gay, Black man, I am hard pressed to imagine the “pain + love = growth” that his life experience has afforded him. His points on people of African heritage sharing a history of not only never being able to “own” anything, but also at one time being the actual property of others, truly sent me into a deep space of questioning everything that could be problematic about my participation in Hip-Hop as an Asian American. I pondered whether I was “taking something” from people who have been not only been repeatedly stolen from, but histroically, literally stolen themselves. Needless to say, I began to ask (and continue to do so), “where is my place in all this?”.
It has been interesting to me, in my examining Hip-Hop and issues surrounding masculinity, that many of the Homo-Hoppers (Queer Hip-Hoppers) I have read works on and by, are some of the strongest proponents of maintaining Hip-Hop as a site specifically and only for African Americans. What interests me about this is that in most Hip-Hoppers’ (and outsiders’) heads today, Hip-Hop and rap music is viewed predominantly as a hypermasculinized, hypersexual, and heteronormative space. By XXL, The Source’s, and a long list of other famous rappers’ definitions, outwardly Gay emcees would be viewed as “inauthentic,” and not “real” Hip-Hop. In this instance, Queer Black Hip-Hoppers, not unlike Asian American Hip-Hoppers, are challenging (in both similar and vastly different ways) issues surrounding “authenticity” in regards to “common sense” understandings of what Hip-Hop identity actually is, and where it is going.
What I did not agree with in his essay, were the ways in which Kenyon Farrow seemed to repeatedly lump the entire “Asian American” experience as relatively similar to a white American one. The Hmong and Cambodian gangbagers I grew up around (who are still alive) would beg to differ, and even the experience of my being raised by a white mother was never able to save me from external and inernalized racism. PLEASE read the essay if you have time, and also scroll down to “Oliver’s” comment. Oliver Wang is a hero in the Asian American Studies Community for his thoughts on Hip-Hop and the his/hertories of our people. Both Oliver and Kenyon are absolute geniuses in their own right and it is my opinion that Hip-Hop nerds and social justice activistas alike, will appreciate their thinking.
Another thing that happened during this process was that I began to get a few (maybe repeat offenders) anonymous comments regarding some of my thoughts on Hip-Hop’s current state, from people or someone calling me a “model minority,” “queer,” “b*tch,” that “plays the violin.” While I’ve had to work internally for a long time to get to a place where I feel confident enough to wear my heart on my sleeve on this blog, I can recall very vividly, many of the young men of Richmond (who associated Asianness & whiteness with femininity, and femininity with weakness) assuming I was “that dude” you could f*ck with. Not getting my ass kicked was a full-time job and I used my brain to slowly become f*cking good at it. It has taken a long time and a lot of effort to let go of that job, and take off my “cool” armor.
These comments reminded me:
1. Why I used to wear it.
2. That if I truly am going to be an open and true ally to women/Queer folks I need to be ready to have my masculinity challenged (and be cool with that).
3. That I should change the settings on ColinResponse so that people need to be signed-in to comment and can’t leave a ig’nant comment anonymously.
wRAP it up B!
This time away from writing rhymes and confining my thought-process to theoretical essays for the last 6 months, has both opened my mind to a vast array of overflowing diabolical/intellectual craziness, as well as put a pain in my heart and soul. I am slowly beginning to realize that the release and therapeutic aspects of writing rhymes is sorely missed in my life, and while I still have yet to write a single rhyme since I finished Shikata Ga Nai vol. II, I am slowly gathering the strength to see where opening my notebook and putting on an instrumental will lead me.
When it comes to the music I’ve created over the last decade, I have found that there is no one more critical of it than myself. I usually tend to hate every song I’ve ever made 2-4 weeks after it has been completed (and find that many of my other artist friends go through this same process, regardless of their medium). To me, what’s been tough, as well as liberatory, has been acknowledging simultaneously, what is dope and groundbreaking about the music I’ve made, as well as the ways it could upset, frustrate and/or hurt people I respect and care about deeply.
One thing I DO know is that this journey has been well worth it, and when I finally do get around to mustering the strength to pick up a pen and pad again, I’ll do it with a rememberance that everything that I/we record is forever, and nothing can be taken back after that sh*t is laid down. While I will never f*ck with anybody who forgets about or ignores the roots and foundations of Hip-Hop, and will always work to be conscious of my own positionality; in the same way I find it impossible to imagine Hip-Hop as a solely hypermasculine, heteronormative, hypersexualized, cultural commodity, I find it impossible to imagine myself not finding identity within and through its practice. Hate it or love it: Hip-Hop saved my mixed heritage, Asian American, miscegenated, Richmond/El Cerrito, naive, scholarly ass. The least I can do is love it back.
_______
If you cared (or were bored =P) enough to read this, I deeply appreciate it. ALL my love and gratitude for the dozens of friends, fam, mentors, and loved ones who dialogued with me through this past year (especially my brilliant/resilient wifey). I’d be lost without yall!
Peace, Love, Blessings, Brilliance and Resilience,
Senbei
p.s. I’ll be away at camp as a counselor for the next 8 days with tomorrow’s leaders, letting them school me on how I’m stuck in my old, corny-ass ways and need to reevaluate mi vida. I’ll tell u all about it when I return. =P
[eM, this post is for you. I'm not sure I've ever felt better about myself than I did on this day. You make me feel so strong. Thank you, Maganda.]
As of late, I haven’t had the chance to really write anything but papers on research methods and literature reviews on books by Asian American Studies scholars. In efforts to not leave my brain on a journey to implosion, I decided to use this blog in the way I originally intended – as a therapeutic outlet. Doing my M.A. in Asian American Studies at SFSU has been liberating in a way that is difficult to describe. This is my best effort at that endeavor…
———-
I don’t wanna fit in anymore, I wanna stand out. I know my mama gets it, pretty sure my daddy’s damn proud. Due to all their brilliance I’ve come to know I’m cool cousin. Here’s to my chameleons, I love you – show your true colors.
Model Minority Report Pt 2: Observations From my Ascendance from Working-Class to Middle-Class status
Last week I saw a life-changing film, directed by my dude Tadashi “Tadillac” Nakamura, entitled “A Song For Ourselves.” This movie is a documentary about the life of 60’s revolutionary singer/songwriter Chris Iijima, a Japanese American Sansei (3rd generation like my pops) who was HUGE in the Asian American movement against the war in Vietnam. It struck a chord in me in a way that I’d honestly never felt. It was a enormous contradiction to my internalized racism about my own Japanese Americans people in that he:
a) was vocal in his objection to racism; b) sang beautifully; c) was an educator; d) was open and honest about his feelings and not stoic and reserved; e) was able to remain a revolutionary in a middle-class lifestyle and raise a family; f) married a white woman and had mixed children while never doubting his own self-worth in any way, shape or form. There has been a certain hopelessness (Shikata Ga Nai) I’ve internalized about my Nikkei people being passive and invisible and this film was exactly what I needed to trouble those misconceptions. I texted Tad (the film’s director) that night, congratulating him, sincerely thanking him for documenting Chris’ life, and letting him know that his film made me shed tears for the first time since my Bachan passed away, the day after my wedding last year.
Growing up, my Asian American role models in regards to social justice have primarily been of Filipino, Vietnamese, Indian and/or other Asian heritages whose home countries have historically been colonized and labeled “3rd world” or “underdeveloped.” To see an elder Japanese American who was not only a revolutionary thinker, but an activist and an artist/musician do (a)-(f) eradicated a certain degree of my hopelessness about my people and myself. Through mine eyes, Chris Iijima’s story is a full-on contradiction to racist/essentialist categories of Japanese/Asian American men and people in general.
Growing up working-class and attending the Richmond Public schools as a Japanese-white kid, left me extremely guarded. If you did not figure out how to interact with your peers in a certain way and dress and speak in the local east bay code, you might be subject to ongoing violence and/or humiliation (especially if you were skinny and pale, like yours truly). Hearing that people were going to get jumped after school or that someone I had gone to elementary school with had been shot and killed began to feel eerily normal by the time I reached my teens. The news was always incredibly sad and heartbreaking – but still normal none the less. It was clear to me from a very young age that it was very f*cking tough being an Asian/Anglo kid in the Richmond Public Schools, but it was still MUCH more f*cked up for my Black, Latino and Southeast Asian peers.
As my mother went on to Graduate School for an MSW and my father rose in the ranks at the then Richmond Unified School District, our lives got better and financial burdens began to lessen. While we never moved from our home in the Richmond Annex, I recall coming home from my first year in college and being surprised to see a new computer and the house IKEA’d-out. It felt as if I left home a working-class kid and returned to a middle-class home I didn’t recognize. At this point I was 18 years old and the majority of my identity thus far was based in the fact that YES – I was an East Asian, whiteboy, but I wasn’t “rich” like the other white and/or East Asian kids at my school, had a beautiful girlfriend that dudes were extremely jealous of, was a DJ, had vast knowledge of everything Hip-Hop and was the only player on the JV basketball team who was not of African American heritage. I had carved out a niche that for a skinny, pale Japanese/white kid, looked a lot more fruitful than getting my ass beat in front of cute girls for my Nikes and laughed at like some of my other East Asian and/or Caucasian peers.
These last 8 years since graduation from college have been a “pain + love = growth” (thank you Dr. Tintiangco-Cubales!) experience. I have watched my life get better over time due to my/my family’s access to higher education, whilst still witnessing through work and personal relationships, the struggle, strife, terror, and devastating hopelessness of race and class oppression. I must admit that while I built up a certain intolerance and indignation toward middle-class people, I now have no choice but to think as one of them and understand the difficulties of a new positionality in America. I now live in a large home with my wife, my little brother and his partner, that was once owned by my Bachan (grandmother), and it will someday belong to us. I walk through it today with tremendous feelings of guilt as well as gratitude.
Knowing the her/histories of my peoples, it is not unclear to me why I feel the way I do. Many Asian Americans and Japanese Americans in particular, hold many values regarding hard work and struggling through difficulty without complaint. After leaving the internment camps when WWII ended, my Jichan was a gardener and my Bachan a nurse, both of them working long, difficult hours to purchase a home and put food on the table for my father, aunt and uncle. I recall both my Bachan and father telling me when I was very young, “you don’t take shortcuts, Colin.” Laziness was rarely, if ever, tolerated by either of them as I grew up. Nothing was going to be handed to you, so you’d better be ready to work your ass off.
As for my mother’s (white) side, both of my grandparents were/are very revolutionary people and I continue to feel their large shadows (of love) over me. My grandfather was Christian Minister and a Professor of Liberation Theology at Stanford University. He and/or my grandmother have spoken to and with the following people, just to name a few: Martin Luther King Jr., Fidel Castro, Stephen Biko, Elie Wiesel, Cesar Chavez and Dolores Huerta. It is wonderful to know that my white relatives played such a role in being allies to oppressed people, but it has also left me with many remnants of white/Protestant guilt, and my own feelings that anything good that comes to me is not deserved and should be going to someone less fortunate. When we moved into our new room upstairs at my late Bachan’s home, I was overcome with guilt and my Pinay wife/partner who was raised poor/working-class was overjoyed and ecstatic. Funny noticing the different ways we internalize sh*t. Our kids are gonna be hella sexy, but possibly f*cked in the head. =P
Asian Pacific American Hip-Hop’s Garden of Good & Wevils Pt. 2: My M.A. thesis on The Formation of Asian American Hip-Hopper/Emcee Identity
A while back, I wrote an essay about Asian American emcees and to make a long story short, I addressed the ways that if an individual is neither Black, Brown or raised poor/working-class, rapping MIGHT not be the place for that person to figure out their identity. My stance hasn’t changed since I wrote this, but my class position has. Making a rap song in my late teens about seeking escapism through drinking and/or drugs because openly showing fear and grief made one a target (and numbing out seemed the only option), was relevant to many other Hip-Hoppers, regardless of their race. Therefore my Hip-Hopper “authenticity” stayed in tact regardless of my Asian/Anglo heritage. Now, as I take strives forward in my identity and understandings of oppression, the music I have created most recently speaks to issues such as homophobia, sexism and internalized Asian American racism. In other words, my honestly expressing myself back then was accepted as ‘authentic” Hip-Hop, and how I honestly express myself today to some, may not be.
I have come to many realizations during my semester and a half studying Asian American history, sociology, Marxism, feminist, queer and ethnic studies theory. One of these realizations is that having the opportunity to examine these things in a space where it is not only unquestioned, but encouraged, is a great privilege. It isn’t breaking news, but there millions of people of all backgrounds who are not only discouraged from thinking about feminism and LGBTQ oppression but are humiliated, jailed and/or even murdered for doing so.
As my life experience continues to shift, I find myself in a space today that asks if emceeing is where I still locate my identity. I am fully aware my perspective may change, but as of today I am doubtful that Hip-Hop needs a middle-class Japanese/Anglo rapper who raps from this privileged space of being able to question heterosexism, homophobia and internalized racism. Half of me believes Hip-Hop does or should have a space for this, half of me believes it does not. One thing I am sure of is that I don’t wish to rap unless I believe 100%, that my appropriation of Hip-Hop as a mixed heritage Asian American male is something that helps Hip-Hop and isn’t taking from it. I love H.E.R. too much to take any part in her destruction.
The second part of questioning my own role in the realm of emceeing is related to the ways in which emcee identity once served in giving me an outlet to find culture. As a mixed heritage person I recall the thrill of finding acceptance in a community. As a young person, being both ethnically ambiguous and raised working-class placed me in a position where I many times felt inauthentic amongst middle and/or upper class monoracial Asian and Anglo Americans. “Hip-Hop, you saved my life…”
My Asian American Studies M.A. Thesis is about The formation of Asian American male Hip-Hopper/Emcee identity. I seek to identify the forces that push and/or pull Asian American males into this identity. I was both pushed and pulled into a Hip-Hopper/Emcee identity due to my class status and the location of where I grew up, how I was racialized by others, how I saw my own people racialized as well as outsider observations of African American masculinity that were predominant in my schools and neighborhood and community. In the process of studying this phenomenon, I am taking note of the forces that push and/or pull an Asian American male (me) out of this identity.
Pain + Love = Growth, indeed.
If I am to delve into this study in the most efficient, pragmatic way possible I will need to strip away any and all hopes or aspirations of caring about whether my subjects like me, my music, and/or my study or not. As a critical researcher in my attempts to illuminate what drives Americans of Asian ancestry into a Hip-Hopper identity, I must be “willing to be hurt.” I am in essence asking my interview subjects, “who are you?” and “why are you doing this?” They may ask the same of me and wonder who I am to question them in any way. The simple answer is: I am no one but somebody who loves Hip-Hop, loves Asian American men (no homo…phobia) and also believes that they are both capable of so much more than we have yet to see.
Pain + Love = Growth, indeed.
“Uncle Tamagotchi” Pt. 2: New thoughts on Michelle Malkin (and being pissed that she is the #1 way people find their way to Colinresponse)
Blud. Everyday when I look at my blog stats, the number one way (white, male, conservative – I’m guessing) people find their way to my blog is when they do a google search for “Michelle Malkin.” A year ago, I wrote a post on people I labeled “Uncle Tamagotchis,” or Asian heritage “Uncle Toms,” or “sellouts” if you will. What ensued was a barrage of insults from white men who were coming to the defense of Mrs. Malkin. I responded as an angry, confused, exhausted person of color might by writing them off entirely, dismissing anything they said as racist and ignorant. While much of those feelings were true and justified, my point of defense was largely flawed because when they said things that were in fact oppressive and racist, I accused them of being racist themselves, instead of pointing out the ways that what they stated, was in fact racist. This gave them an escape route to not address what they had said and we went back and forth in a circular pattern that exhausted itself and went nowhere.
Because these past 7 months have been spent reading dozens of books on race, politics, family, community and identity, writing about them, and then critically analyzing my identity and life experience, I have somewhat of a new outlook on Michelle Malkin. While I still think she is a closed-minded idiot who serves capitalism like its her cotdam job (because it is), I no longer find myself in a place where I feel I hold her in a higher degree of wackness because she is of Asian ancestry than I do a white person like Bill O’Reilly. They are equals as far as dumbass jerk faces go in my book.
While Michelle Malkin doesn’t benefit from white, male privilege in the same way that O’Reilly does, she seems to have discovered a way to cater to it that makes her a sh*tload of money, thus making life better for her and her family. I understand fully, that it is not as if she does this for no reason. I do not condone anything she says or does but I have come to realize that as Asian Pacific Americans, we all have our own personal external and internal battles. Her sh*t just looks hella f*cking different than mine. In the end, I think what makes me most angry about her is that she gives racist, wealthy, conservative white men a way to state that capitalistic class oppression has nothing to do with race or gender, all while they objectify this petite Pinay woman, telling her how sexy, exotic and “right-on the money,” she is. It makes me wanna throw up in my mouth at how sad her behavior makes me, and how furious her white, male defenders make me.
Meh…Life goes on.
The Cool: On Stripping Away Unneeded & Unwanted Armor That No Longer Serves Me
My thoughts on leaving emceeing behind for good (or at least until I can tell it makes sense for me to do it again) are not all sacrificial and for the “good” of Hip-Hop. Much of this decision is relegated to the fact that my wanting to combat the oppression of women, LGBTQ folks and gender roles in general doesn’t seem possible at this time through the expression of emceeing as a now middle-class, Japanese/Scottish/Iriquois American. It appears that in order to leave behind the “cool” I once was forced to don as armor during my youth is no longer necessary and actually may hinder my relationships with loved ones and colleagues. As Tim Wise states, “indignation (being hella f*cking pissed off) does not wear well on white people,” and while I am not a “white” person, the privilege from my fair skin and socioeconomic status now place me in a position where my anger and frustration displayed through a Hip-Hop lens is beginning to look and feel awkward to me.
My last project, Shikata Ga Nai, like every Hip-Hop project I’ve been a part of, is very special to me. I feel that it is the closest I can be to who I was in my youth and who I am today while still being “authentically” Hip-Hop (feel free to agree or disagree). As my mind and identity begin to continue shifting and changing, due to race, class, education, etc., I am unsure if my artistic endeavors will be able to be fully expressed through rhyming. I may need to sing, paint, sculpt, draw, produce (Jei, Slavename, MemphReigns, what it dew!), etc. I definitely will be writing and if you follow this blog, it is my hope and belief my writing will grow and delve deeper each time – expressing my truest thoughts and opinions on love, service, justice, freedom and my relationship to power and powerlessness. I hope you’ll be there with me, and if you read this sh*t in its entirety, I’m guessing you will. And for that, I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
Peace. Love. Blessings.
Colinresponse
done
["Chameleon" @ USF]
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["Chameleon" @ USF]
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I am a truly blessed f*ckin individual. I work my ass off over the years to get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to express myself in the most honest way I know how, and a buttload of love is given to me for it by a number of people I look up to and respect with all my heart. I was invited to perform @ USF last night and tonight accepted another invite to be on the east bay air waves.
done
["Paper Bullets" @ USF]
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I was on the KPFA’s APEX Express Radio tonight with my homeboy Adriel Luis of iLL-Literacy and had a blast. The brotha DJ Phatrick wasn’t in the house for the Pretty Bouyant Society Show tonight, but homie still gets love. Speaking of which, Drizzle played me a couple of their new tracks and them sh*ts is muhf*ckin fuego for real, for real.
[Pretty Bouyant Society]
[March 5, 2009: APEX Express Radio - Clive Chin & Senbei (@ 31:00)]
Clive Chin on his family’s role in Reggae music and VP Records (con’t from 2/27/09 interview.) Plus: MC Senbei: multikult & hip hop sensibility.
Nothin’ but love and appreciation for all those who have downloaded Shikata Ga Nai Vol. II. Turn that Broken Halos sh*t up!
Bless,
Senbei
p.s.
[This was ALMOST the cover of Shikata Ga Nai. Japanese ppl are f*cking crazy blud.]
